My second gift to you.

Tips to Avoid Being Eaten By A Shark.

That soon.

But first, a few ridiculous luxury items I feel you must take advantage of.

It's easy for me to discuss luxury right now, having slept my way to the top and clearly being a celebrity of magnificent proportions. I'm also broadcasting to you live from the Sundance Film Festival in Park City Utah.

I've been skiing on the slopes. I've walked past actor Timothy Hutton. Clearly I'm in a position of importance. I even have 'credentials' which means I can get into things for free. Sadly I haven't been to any parties or even met anyone remotely cool yet. So I can not inform you of the best place to pimp your ride, or where to buy mink and diamond false eyelashes (I hope they sedate the mink before they remove its eyelashes).

But I digress.

What I have for you is a slight suggestion of which direction you should point your style rudder to achieve maximum results.

It is, simply, in the direction of a CD. If you haven't yet, you should check out Imogen Heap's fantastic new record 'Speak For Yourself'.OFFICIAL SITE If you're unfamiliar, Imogen is a fantastic British singer songstress in her own right, had a fleeing moment of brilliance with Guy Sigsworth in their short lived duo Frou Frou (incredible record that ended up defining the movie 'Garden State' for me) and whose channelling of Laurie Anderson in her single 'Hide And Seek' pretty much stopped the world turning for me the first time I heard it.

What's best is that she was dropped from her record company via VOICEMAIL and ended up financing and producing her latest effort herself. The result of which debuted at number 3 on the US iTunes store just a month or so ago.

She's like a pop Kate Bush. And that can't be a bad thing.

What else do you need?

Oh. Those Shark Tips.

Soon.

But first if you've got a decent chunk of money to blow on a gift for someone and you want them to make an alter at your feet and worship you daily (actually this gift is probably best for women or retrosexuals - yeah I made that term up) you might want to check out the concept of a Creme Brulee scented bubble bath. CLICK HERE TO CHECK IT OUT

Seriously, if you've ever pissed someone off really bad, like telling them that their music reminded you of Bros (the pop band form the 80s featuring the Goss Brothers and that other guy who is now Pink's manager) and you thought it was a compliment but it made them want to stick pencils in their eye... Well this little treasure should do the trick. And if they don't accept your apology at least you can look forward to about six months of smelling like a french dessert.

Right - DOWN TO BUSINESS.

If a shark attacks you (and I know this for a fact because I'm Australian and we have lots of them) you want to punch it in the nose. Not because it will frighten them. Not because it will make them think they've picked on the wrong moon tanned tourist. You want to punch them in the honker because apparently Great Whites (and my advice is strictly to applied only to this particular breed of shark) rely upon the transmission of sophisticated electromagnetic signals via these weird gel filled pores in their noses. You touch the nose, you make the hard drive crash. Shark goes dizzy and you get to carry your bloody leg back to the shore to be sewn on just in time to watch the final of celebrity big brother. Or the House Doctor. I don't care. The point is. You live.

So there you go.

Happy now?

I know I am.

I'm hoping that someone sends me one of those Laura Mercier candles or bubble bath thingies because my tips have changed their lives.

One can only hope.

Bye for now.

Next time: How to make someone let you merge lanes in a busy city.