Darren Hayes' Gift To You
My first gift to you.
January 17 2006
Right. This is my very own column.

I don't know whether to be chuffed or insulted. Because let's face it, there's a cheese quality to Popjustice. But then again, there's a cheese quality to me. Is my inclusion on here an indication that I could end up like that other poor sod from V? Is it sad that I know who V were? Or is it a kitschy cool compliment? You're laughing WITH me right?

Well all I know is, I contemplated not doing it. And then I watched Celebrity Big Brother and thought, why not get in there? Get the attention that others so clearly would kill for and instead of using it to promote myself in any possible way, why not use the opportunity to enlighten others with the knowledge that years of flying business class around the world has given me?

Instead of using my powers for evil, I decided, I would use them for mindless entertainment. Offer tips. Advice even. Not advice like 'take a heavy sedative and don't talk to the person next to you until the plane is landing'. Nope. I give to you the gift of obscurity. After all, who cares what Jodie Marsh thinks of whatshername who married the dude from "I'm a celebrity get me out of here"? Who cares that I finally met Madonna? What you care about - what I have decided you care about - are the crevices of my subconscious that remain unexplored.

Little gems like golden celebrity ear wax wax from my flummoxed brain.

Like this:

FAUXBERRY
For those who can't afford Burberry. When you see a shoddy imitation bag/hat/jacket/dog lead that LOOKS like Burberry but isn't and is in fact available from the hip hop store at Whiteley's Mall in Bayswater (where I used to rent).. you know what to call it.

That was a bit of a crap first gift to you, wasn't it? It was. So forget you ever read it, and prepare yourself for...

CUSTOM MADE EAR PLUGS!!
Yep.

Maybe this means I'm getting older, or just not prepared to put up with snoring to get laid. But my candy smelling (yeah they really do) see-through custom made ear molds block out the world and the resonating bass thump of my significant other's snoring and allow me to sleep in a war zone. Undisturbed. All the while feeling rather privileged. After all, these babies are made to house 'in ear monitoring' - those high tech ear thingys musicians wear to hear themselves on stage.

Sure I've got loads of them, but I ALSO had them take a cast of my ear and then from that make me a solid silicone ear plug the exact replica of my inner ear. FULL BLOCK OUT OF ALL NOISE. Sometimes I wear them when I take friends out for lunch. They have no idea. But I don't have to listen to their stories. You feel like you're in a cone of silence like on that TV show Get Smart.

Obviously the whole moulding thing is hardly as rockstar as the famous Jimi Hendrix Penis cast, but somewhat more fitting for my personality. The process alone is kind of a turn on - if you like cleaning your ears with cotton buds. They inject silicone goo into your ear and wait for it to set. Then send that off to some dude in a lab who makes a cast of your ear hole and keeps in on file forever.

And that's what they use to make your custom made ear plug.

It's far more bling than that gold PSP carry case thing I saw on telly the other day, even though the gold and diamond encrusted PSP case thingy costs about 30 grand and my ear plugs are a mere few hundred quid.

If I'm honest, the whole thinbg is dangerously close to something those who wear Fauxberry might take a shine to. And if you check out www.sensaphonics.com/custom.html you'll see you can get yours in custom colours. So who knows, maybe plaid is coming soon...

Next time: It's anyone's guess what my next gift to you will be. But I guarantee Paris Hilton wouldn't have thought of it. Reactions to Darren being chosen for a column