Pre Big Night In 2006

T’is I, Lana, back to regale you with yet more bittersweet anecdotes, to guide you through the laughter and the tears of this rollercoaster ride I find myself on accompanied by the one and only Darren Hayes. Sometimes we laugh at other times we scream, or simply feel slightly queasy.

Let’s start with the sad stuff. Pre-Christmas was a sorrowful time. We closed down our legendary London studio. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, but as our tour manager Bic took to the wall with a paintbrush in order to paint over the graffiti, I felt my mouth quiver, my throat tighten … but this was mainly owing to feeling a bit hungry. You see, the graffiti had precipitated a kind of Pavlov’s dog effect. Why? I can’t believe I haven’t shared with you before the “What the Lamb Saw” story …

Back in late 2005, I was, shall we say, hung over and, as I recall, complaining about it mercilessly. And I was starving. Darren, Leonie and Robert had eaten some Moroccan food, as had I, but I was not yet replete. I looked toward the kitchen, yearning.

Someone had hardly touched their food.

A half eaten coagulating lamb tagine beckoned seductively.

Before I knew it, I was digesting it.

Soon after, Darren took a break from recording.

“What happened to that mucky plate of lamb tagine?” he asked.

“Ah, not sure.”

“How come the plate’s empty?”

“Not too sure, Darren. Ummm … Maybe I ate it?”

“What? You ATE IT? Those were left-overs! They were stacked on top of filthy plates, which is usually indicative of something being fit for the garbage. You actually ATE IT?”

Darren grabbed a black marker from my desk and promptly added to the art installation on the studio wall a picture of me from the lamb tagine’s perspective. This is what he drew:

But What the Lamb Saw is now behind us. Beyond thinking me to be some kind of unsavoury derelict, Darren’s moved forward and today we find ourselves focusing heavily on the “Big Night In With Darren Hayes” tour. So many surprises, so much interactivity, so many favourite songs, laughs and frivolity we can barely contain ourselves. Especially Darren. And Wally? Well, maybe not so much.

Yesterday at Darren’s house, Mr Hayes became so excited at the prospect of the “Big Night In” tour that out of the blue, very much so in fact, he decided to put on an impromptu performance.

Now, remember how The Beatles did their legendary “Get Back” performance on the Apple headquarters’ rooftop in 1969?

Remember U2’s “Where the Streets Have No Name” video?

Well, this was absolutely nothing like those two poignant moments in music history. Rather, Darren plugged in a karaoke machine and began singing Madonna’s “Into the Groove” from his first floor balcony to two people at a bus stop across the road.

You’ll see from the photos below that the people in question were doing all in their power to pretend not to notice. I, in the meantime, laughed my larynx up.

Darren closed the doors and the conversation turned serious. I asked Darren why it was that dogs could move so much faster than human beings. Ever seen a dog do a mad-arsed sprint across a park? With all of our so-called human “superiority”, why couldn’t we? Didn’t it make sense that we never should have “progressed” to two legs? It’s my personal philosophy that if we never graduated from crawling, it’s almost guaranteed we’d be scampering along on all fours quicker than the nippiest of kelpies.

Upon hearing these theories, Darren’s face saddened. “Poor Lana,” he lamented sighing and proceeded to draw me a highly scientific biological diagram explaining why the canine body type is more effective than the human’s when it comes to breaking any held land speed records. According to him, it’s all in a dog’s leg structure. I’m yet to be convinced. I’ve stubbornly taken to crawling wherever I traverse.

I know I’m writing randomly, but have you guys been checking out Darren’s contributions to popjustice.com? If you haven’t, trust me, they’re worth it. They haven’t failed to tickle my funny bone yet. Me, on the other hand … well, Darren doesn’t find me all that amusing. As faithfully recorded on the graffiti wall, let the record state that over the course of an entire year, I caused Darren to laugh on only four occasions.

See you at the shows! I CANNOT WAIT!

Lana Penrose